My future, myself, and the inevitable

so i know that pretty much the only good idea that i could have about next semester would be to re enroll and get back full swing and hopefully be out in a year or meby a little over. and i know its probably the inevitable and im gonna end up doing it, but theres a peice of me that gets upset at how pointless it feels right now. i know that college degrees are important and will open up the door beyond the world of dead end jobs and such(i know its not quite that way, but im generalizing for the sake of simplicity). i know that unless i can materialze the dream of being in a band and becoming famous, im probably gonna need a degree to do most anything that i really want to. so all the arrows pretty much point to putting in the effort because it will pay off. the thing is that im one of those people who does something when i can see the end of something. i dont mean that i have to know whats going to happen ultimately and every detail on the way, but some sort of sense of the word direction and right now im not really feeling it. like i said, its pretty much inevitable so dont think im gonna go throw it all away or anything.

what gets me is the whole mingling of my dreams compared to the dreams of everyone else and the dreams and ideals that have been put into my head from day one by parents and the community i grew up in. im no robot, but i dont really know how far you can really stray from the beginning foundations of your existence. for a while i went through the stage of fighting those rules and rebeling, but it was still living around the same structure and confines that had always existed.

as for the deal with not really feeling it, i have developed a pattern of doing things that i never really cared about from the start. i would do itfor someone else and then get to the part where the rubber meats the road and back out cuz like i said, i never really cared about beign there in the first place. theres alot of things like that where i dont regret leaving halfway cuz it never felt like my fight or my thing. just taking and learning while it was in season. for example, i was in scouts, but i never got my eagle and im still ok with that. i learned that i like camping and being outdoors better than being cooped up all the time. the point of the matter is that i can feel worse off, at least for the moment, when im trying to finish something that i dont feel that i ever truely put my mind in to realy start. kinda picking up someone elses momentum and realize halfway through that it feels so unnatural now that im trying to do it on my own. i just know that getting back into school and finishing is something i have to say that i want and that im gonna go back pretending to care and getting caught in the cycle of appathy. thats kinda how i got here in the first place.